In 2008, Dr Funmilayo and Dr Dami were students at the College of Medicine in Lagos. Although they would eventually get married in 2014, they never knew this. They both attended the same campus fellowship and had been introduced by a mutual friend a few years earlier, but they were not exactly on speaking terms.
Although during several evening walks, Dr Dami had noticed her as she took a different route. The third time he saw her, he couldn’t resist the urge to speak with her. That day, Dr Funmilayo had not planned to go for a walk that evening, but something nudged her. That was the beginning of their love journey.
“We started talking seriously during one of those night walks, and we’ve been taking plenty of walks ever since,” Dami said.
Funmilayo grew up as an only child with her own space. When they got married, it took a while for her to adapt to the system of someone else being in her space, sharing her things. But that wasn’t the major adaptation she had to make.
“I had a huge problem with time consciousness, time management. And my husband is a principled guy. We can say let’s have lunch by 1, and my husband will be at the restaurant many minutes before 1. But me, I would stroll in fashionably at 20 minutes past 1. It wasn’t actually funny. There was a day we needed to be in church by 7 am. He was pastoring at the time, and I had just had a baby. My husband wanted us to be in Lekki, from Gbagada, by that 7. I broke down crying and said, “I can’t do it.” He started crying too, saying, “You were never early.” So we had a resolution. I tried to help him see that I just had a baby. Like, I’m even just figuring out my own life. Since then, we’ve been helping each other. At least today I came on this call on time. So time management was a major flashpoint in the beginning. But now I think we’re almost on the same page.”
Unlike Funmilayo, Dami is the first child, has a bit of a military background and attended a boarding school. So he didn’t grow up being particular about one thing belonging to one person.
“As a family life practitioner now, I understand the importance of taking a very good look at people’s background, understanding where they are coming from, their family background, their temperament, personality and all of those things, and appreciating where they are coming from. That puts you in a better position to look at life through their lens. That way, it’s easier to show empathy. So I could understand that this is someone who is an only child, was used to things being done in a particular way and all of that,” Dami said.
One of the challenges couples face early in marriage is managing finances. Dr Funmilayo and Dr Dami also faced similar challenges because they have different money personalities. Dr Funmilayo considers herself the spender and her husband a saver. While she is thinking about vacations and spending, Dr Dami is suggesting investment schemes they can explore, paying school fees, house rents and other practical expenses.
“Foundational trust is very key when it comes to finances. I think one of the things that has helped both of us is that we trust each other. You may have different financial personalities, but if there is no trust, you begin to ask, Okay, is this person trying to get us bankrupt, or is this person extremely stingy? By default, I’m very logical when it comes to finances. But one of the things I have appreciated about marriage is how it helps us grow. Because there is a perspective to life that you would have and be limited to if you don’t know how to embrace your spouse’s perspective.
Over the years, I’ve come to realise the importance of those trips, those expenses. I’ve moved from seeing them as expenses to seeing them as investments. They’re actually huge investments — huge investments for your health, huge investments for memories. At least from 2020, going on vacation trips has become a part of our annual goals,” Dami said.
Many times, Dr Dami said, when people think about what it means to be a husband, a lot of people think that what makes you a husband or the man of the house is that you drop money. Once you drop money, you fulfil the obligation. He believes it’s a very reductionist mindset. “Money is important, but it is just a tool. It should be your desire that your wife out-earns you when there is trust. If you’re looking at it from the context of who brings in more money.”
Despite being together for over a decade, the couple are still learning how to exist together. They have managed to find a balance in how they control their finances, but there are areas they are working on to ensure their marriage sustains till eternity. When asked if they could name one thing about each other that they really love or a moment that really means a lot, they couldn’t pick a thing, because it’s a continuous action. They have consistently done memorable things for each other.
“He’s extremely kind, and he’s kind to everyone, not just me. My husband is the kind of person who, if someone runs into his car on the road, he’s the one going to meet the person to ask if they’re okay. He wants to know what happened, what the problem is. And I’m like, “Excuse me, sir, can you just pay for the damage and let’s move on?” But he’s genuinely kind to everyone around him. I could never trade that kindness. He’s very patient, very kind. I went to several driving schools. My mother’s driver tried to teach me how to drive. I never really learned until he taught me. That’s how patient he is. Over time, I’ve started processing things the way he does. I’m not as emotional or reactive as I used to be,” Dr Funmilayo said.
When I asked what they are still figuring out, despite being together for 12 years? They said, “What we’re trying to figure out now is what’s next — exploring all the possibilities, all our gifts, all the graces, all the talents. That’s where we are at this stage. What’s next in the journey of life? Where are we headed now? Yes, we thank God for the success. We thank God for how far we’ve come. But the question remains: what next? The journey ahead is more than where we are coming from. You have to constantly be changing, evolving, becoming a better version of yourself. Both of you have to do that consistently. You can’t leave anyone behind.”
God and faith are also major pillars in the Adeniyis’ household, and this mindset and culture have also been transferred to how they raise their three children. “We’re raising children who love God, who love people, who are going to be solution providers, who are going to be producers. We understand that we are caretakers.”
