One of the first things I noticed while living in Texas was the weather. In Lagos, I never paid attention to the weather forecast. It was either hot or cold, or in between. But in Texas, I had to befriend the weather app on my phone, not just because the weather changes so fast, but because it could be 40 degrees Fahrenheit, yet the app would say it feels like 30 degrees Fahrenheit. There is a world of difference between 40 and 30. The fact that it’s 40 doesn’t change what we feel. The thermostat doesn’t measure how it feels; it objectively measures what the temperature is. This is how the world operates, and it has taken me many years to finally understand this.
My seven-year-old son will be naughty, and I will scold him and tell him what he did was wrong and that I’m unhappy about it. He will go to his room, cry his eyes out and tell me how sorry he is. I kept wondering why he cried because no hands were laid on him, just words of correction, and no unhealthy words were used. The weather app was my answer. Yes, objectively, I corrected him and didn’t hit him, but somehow, my words hurt him even though they weren’t objectively hurtful. There’s a world of difference between what is true and what people feel is true.
This experience has helped me understand many events in my life with friends, family and colleagues. I’ve often weighed my actions and inactions objectively in a world where feelings matter more than facts. If you miss someone’s wedding because you just resumed at a new job and can’t take off days yet, you would logically expect them to understand. You will be shocked that they don’t seem to understand because attendance means the world to them. They may never bring it up because they know it fails the test of common sense, but they will never see you the same way if they prioritise their feelings above all else.
I won’t attempt to defend anyone who is like this, but what the weather app and my seven-year-old have taught me is that the feeling is true. Indeed, although the thermostat reads 40 degrees, it feels like 30 degrees, and it’s best to dress for 30 degrees; if not, you will keep justifying that it’s 40 degrees while your body shivers. The feelings of these people are real, and it’s important to acknowledge them even if they don’t pass the common sense test. Acknowledging them helps you respond better and manage them better. For my son, it’s the feeling that he has disappointed his favourite daddy, and he isn’t proud of himself in that moment; that’s how my words of correction made him feel.
For the person who had the wedding, birthday or any event, it’s how they want to be loved. It’s how they feel loved. It’s harder to understand if, like me, you’re very logical, but even the most logical people have moments like this. We are all emotional beings, and we must realise that we are different. We must understand those around us and learn to understand their emotional needs so we can serve and love them appropriately, not just the textbook standard, but the volume of service and love that fills their emotional cup. You must have guessed that cups differ in size.
It’s also important to discuss the reaction of those in their emotional state. Hurt doesn’t mean you were hurt. Although the weather feels 30 degrees, it’s wrong to say it’s 30 degrees if it’s actually 40 degrees. Many people have trained their brains to equate unfulfilled emotional needs to wrongdoing. A good boss, to them, isn’t the one who always pays on time, promotes, roots for one, and is there for you. It’s the one who was at their wedding and birthday, sent them money when they clocked 25, but owed them salaries and was incompetent.
They forget that one did what the textbooks say, and the other understood their emotional needs and filled them, while having no substance. If your mind keeps choosing those who meet your emotional needs as the right people for you, you will have happy moments, but you may struggle to have a happy life.
Many people have marked down people who hurt them, even though objectively they weren’t; it was all their feelings. They have closed the doors to these people and opened the doors to those who met their emotional needs. This happens in love, work, and life generally. True friends won’t gossip about you, backstab you, or mock you, and later post your picture on your birthday and organise a surprise that will blow your mind. At the same time, maybe the true friend needs to start learning more about you and start going beyond the birthday text to fulfill your emotional needs, as you also begin to understand that they are your true friend, true lover, true colleague, true boss, true sibling, true parent, and the truth is the weather is the weather regardless of how it feels.
Many times, the temperature is high even though it doesn’t feel as hot. Remember when you go to the clinic, and your temperature doesn’t feel so hot, and the nurse panics when she confirms how high it is. Many people are worse than they seem or feel; you just don’t know it because they are meeting your emotional needs. So, to judge fairly, ask objectively, although I feel loved, cared for, and all, is their behaviour right, or am I subsidising their bad behaviour because they meet emotional needs? Only you can answer that question objectively and reopen the doors to the good people and bid the ones whom God is still working on goodbye.
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Featured Image by Kampus for Pexels
